So I posted this on a Mom FB Group and I received many helpful tips, a GoFundMe was one of them. I'm trying to tick all the boxes here, so I'm making this. Spotfund instead because it felt wrong to take a fee with other people's donations.
I just.. wanted to post because I am lonely and scared.
I'm 22 yrs old and I have 3 children. Typical child bride situation, grooming, SA, and then parents force a marriage (or I'd have been homeless) for religious salvation. I finally got away when I was 21 & had 3 babies with me. All of which, I received little-no prenatal care for and delivered the first myself, alone in a bathtub at 17 yrs old. We were not brought to a hospital after, and I'm lucky I didn't die when I miscarried at 15 yrs old..
Now I have no family support(FLDS is anti-divorce and pro child marriage), no higher education, my experience is primarily trauma.. I'm in low income housing and that's a life saver for $1442/mo. in rent and $200 in utilities. I made $19k this year, but I worked my ass off for programs to help us stay off the street.
I live in SLC Utah, I had been rear ended on the freeway on my way to work. My car was totalled, I had internal bleeding and swelling of my kidneys, I had a concussion and no one to call to come get me. I was glad I was alive, and could walk and that my kids were NOT in the car! I was also extremely ashamed that I had no one else to call and kept thinking my husband and my mom was right.. I couldn't make it out there on my own and I needed them to survive.
I called my boss and she took me to work that day. I had to walk myself to the hospital. (Ambulance is expensive and I could walk.. although, I did work for a car dealership so driving me would've been very very easy).
I was let go from my first job(after leaving the abuse) bcuz the head of HR found out I was disabled. They gave me an unexplained $2/hr. pay cut, then let me go because I was a "walking liability".
I couldn't qualify for unemployment insurance because I hadn't made enough money.. and coincidentally they deleted my email and locked me out immediately to protect the emails I had with HR.
I got laid off after the internal bleeding stopped but before my concussion healed.. I couldn't remember my passwords to anything or proper grammar. I couldn't drive without getting dizzy.
I don't live walking distance to public transportation and like I said, 3 babies and a disability.
I decided to hide my disability next job, (as best I could🤞) I didnt qualify for renters assistance because my husband filed taxes in my name & I didn't know how to get access to those files despite trying the accountant he paid for it and him and my legal-aid lawyer, that took several months to get qualified for only to quit the week after I saw them the first time, I didn't hear back from them for a year.. so I had to reapply. I did, and they've done nothing for me since.
I had been job hunting from April to August and took the first job that I was offered.
I worked 50 hrs per week as a minimum for the salary of $37k/yr. I got no recognition for what I did until I told them I was leaving.
I had to leave.. because they asked me to start covering up my disability .. but I already was to the best of my ability. They told me, "I'm asking you to start masking." They assigned me a learning program about how to do that.
For anyone wondering, that's both offensive, illegal, and wrong, in the sense that disabilities can't be taught away.. one can't just teach a person what it feels like to not have seizures often and then expect they'll "get the hang out it," now that their brain understands how they're expected to function.
I know I deserve to be accommodated, but I also know corporate America doesn't give a damn.. at least not so far. I know I can't afford a service dog, it took me 6 months to save up for sound canceling headphones.
I have 3 babies to care for and I know I can't afford them. I can't afford myself, just breathing is something I can't afford. In the most literal sense, I have asthma and only use my inhaler when I'm close to passing out bcuz if I use it "too much", or when my throat is scabbing over, I will not be able to buy another one. It's for emergencies only..
I thought about how I can give my kids a better life. The truth is, foster care and adoption agencies are systemically.. not chill. The fact that I care enough to learn and practice gentle parenting, to file for program after program to keep them fed, clothed, clean, and safe. I keep myself in therapy and my kids are on waiting list for mental support. These are all reasons I know I'm their best shot and that's heartbreaking.. because they deserve so much better than what I can give them. 💔
The Victims Advocates Program told me directly, that the threshold for children being considered safe and well cared for in my state is shamefully very low... That makes a lot of sense considering I was raised here and struggle with a life time of pain from chronic C-PTSD.
I was a child bride but I was also trafficked by my parents and uncle's, here, and in Joshua Tree, California. It's a family business and I am ashamed to share the blood line..
Most days I can't cope to see my smile knowing it looks so much like my Dad's.
I come from a lineage of horrendous acts, their roots directly in the foundation of Utah, as a state.
So I'm trying to leave Utah. I've worked 2 jobs and attended literally every outlet that might give me something to save, down to rationing my soap/conditioner etc., skipping on my sleep and my meals. It's taken me a year and some months, but I've saved $9k!! I thought it'd take me 2-4 yrs to get here. I've also scored a therapy program through Optum health and that's really really cool.
I've done cross reference mapping to make an educated guess on where to go. Statistically speaking, our best bet, with a disabled single mother and 3 littles is the state of New Jersey.
The opportunities associated with nyc and careers, the smaller gender wage gap, access to public transportation, amount of employed disabled people, the ease level to qualify for assistance and more assistance & educational programs available, make this choice the most optimistic choice for us. Contrary to popular belief, single moms in Alabama (most affordable housing in the country) work more hours to make rent than single moms in big cities according to the study I read.
I'm not allowed to leave the country, because of custody arrangements. In Utah and many other places, just because the mom was a child when the dad molested them, just because the mom was physically abused by the father (especially while pregnant). Doesn't mean they'd touch other/their children or need supervision(or therapy) as a parent... Yeah, I was 12 when this grown man met me and he has legal rights to have alone time with his children. He spends that time also bringing them around my parents. It's fun and fresh as Hell on a Tuesday.
I save as much proof as I can but proof is silly in court bcuz the proof of r@pe is the mere existence of my eldest son.. I was 17 .. but uh, I guess he's not proof enough. The voice recordings of my husband admitting to things wasn't proof they even wanted to see.
My parents testified against me in court when I was trying to get a protective order also, which was very persuasive to the court because I hadn't reported them to the police for their part in everything. I did go ahead and report them after but it didn't change and it was also very hard to be ridiculed by an officer while I explained everything to her. She told me, "rape I'd never okay even if you're married but.. you did like it, sometimes, right? So it was consensual sometimes?" 👁️👄👁️ Ma' am I was raised to believe it was God's will that I enjoy it to the best of my ability and I still didn't, but that has nothing to do with the fact that I was a MINOR!! She didn't agree with me.
Anyways, I can't qualify for low income housing in New Jersey until I have work out there, but I can't get work out there until I'm out there because I don't have much education or experience (or proof I'm actually going to be there). Low income housing probably has a waist list too. I'm enrolled in taking classes for Data Analytics but the laptop I had was fixed by me.. and that was my first time fixing a lap top and it didn't last. I'm working on getting a new laptop but it will take me a couple months.
I want to go to college but I grew up in an FLDS cult where no women were going to college because that's just "planning to leave your husband" talk.. which is to say idk how to get into college at all .. Idk how to go to college and work and pay rent.
That's another fun thing about Utah justice system. They can bring my kids back to Utah and give them right back to the cult I escaped from, if I seem unstable as a parent. Which, obviously being thrown into society and trying to get on my feet in this economy as a 22 yr old....... That's tough stuff without family support or a degree or .. anything really. It's pretty audacious of me to have crippling cptsd on top of that, from an employers perspective as mentioned above, I was found to be a liability.
Though I hope for better things, Utah has the largest gender wage gap in the country so when I was making $1331.84 every two weeks for a couple months.. I got more than a couple comments about how I'm not worth that much.
I did a lot though, learned a lot.. I just don't know how to speak fluent corporate, and .. idk I often agree with the discouragement I get from people. I just can't afford to let that stop me for long, there's a housing crisis and I wouldn't get a shelter if I needed it.
I'd have to use my savings on a tiny home and then get my kids taken away because that's homelessness of course.
I really do feel like the dirt on the bottom of Americas boots.
Anyways, here's a pic of my adorable children. Two of them are on a waiting list to be evaluated for autism and ADHD. We talk about someday getting them a service dog when I can afford it.
I talked about my unemployability a lot, I better mention that I have been working with the department of rehabilitation to find work, as well as taken courses on employment from DWFS and employment counseling. Lol I went into $7,000 of debt to afford childcare while I started "building my career" and childcare was $1700/month AFTER state assistance programs($3k before). I've also reached out to NJ state assistance for employment and I've paid Resume Library to help me write a resume and I've asked a lot of people for tips/referrals. I built up my LinkedIn profile and networking skills as much as I know how to. This has become a bit of a blog post here, but I hope to have a happier chapter.. at some point.
I don't know.. close to homeless and close to abusers is pretty trash.
DISCLAIMER: The people that walked away with me have been able to offer occasional assistance to my kids and I that absolutely saved our behinds. We are super grateful and know that they are also burnt out and overwhelmed, recently discovering who they are outside of religion and trauma etc. They are unable to offer long term family support for us, and I want to respect their need to heal. I don't want to pull them under the water with me.
