First I will explain the reason I have spent so much time and money on my mom’s care. My mom married my dad when she was sixteen (different times back then). He was a quadriplegic veteran when they met. She chose to marry him and devoted her whole life to him and her family. He passed away after 54 years of marriage at 84 years old. He lived a long full life because she took such good care of him. She provided for her children and him with all of her heart. She wanted nothing more than her family to be happy and well. It was not perfect but she more than made up for any shortcomings there ever were. She suffered a tremendous injury where a car in 1973 crushed her pelvis and she has had chronic pain ever since that has only gotten worse with age. Before my dad died I helped make sure their finances got better for them. I mowed their lawn, grocery shopped , housework, cut his hair, took her out for errands, just anything 3 days a week all while working overtime at my job. Then a few years ago my dad who she had been with since she was 16 passed away.
After my dad passed away and I was helping her take care of herself and at first doctors failed her by not catching her condition when I asked about her cognitive function in 2021 and 2022. They said she was fine, normal aging and sadly I had no experience and did not know better. They should have referred me to a specialist.
Fast forward to now;
I finally got her accurately diagnosed and have been caring for my mom with severe Dementia and Alzheimer’s since January 29, 2024. She had had many tests and has the diagnosis of Vascular Dementia and Alzheimer’s. She is level late 6 early 7 depending on the day. She is a flight and a HUGE fall risk. She is in there though and aware but her Alzheimer’s has attacked her ability to talk more than a word or 1 sentence a day, and her ability to control her feet so she gets up to walk but her feet won’t do what she wants them to do. She cannot communicate for herself to tell you what she needs at all. She requires 1 on 1 care and I don’t want her to feel alone (especially since she is still in there) so I have been staying with her at a skilled nursing 24/7 for the last 70 days.
We are working through insurance hoops to hopefully get some pay for care that will follow her with me home. Once we have that I should be able to go back to work and have proper care while I am away during those days. To accomplish this we have to stay here in the skilled nursing for 20-50 more days. And I am scheduled to go back to my work Dec 9th which is this happenstance miracle that the timing aligned so I did not have to quit my job.
I have a job/career for the last 16.5 years, but am currently on disability for my own issues. Otherwise I don’t have any help unless I hire people to come while I go get PT for my own disability cause I have developed severe arthritis and several other hand/arm issues limiting the use of my dominant hand. I cannot wait to be able to go back to work and do even better at my job cause I have learned so much in the last 10 months that will directly benefit my client interactions. I am so lucky my work finds me valuable enough to keep me on for all this.
Also, before skilled nursing my mom was in memory care for 5 months that I was paying $5000 a month while also paying her mortgage and mine so all the savings I had is gone. I have enough left for like 2 weeks. Between my credit card usage, payments from my savings, and having to stop my investment income (because I had to use the money), I am effected and short about $80,000($45,000 spent directly for her care and attorneys).
I cannot leave her for the substantial amount of time it takes to maintain and sell our homes to buy the new one I want for us to live in. She will need her house money for her ongoing care even with insurance help and living with me. Plus my savings and credit have taken such a hit paying for everything since April that even if I could sell my house and pay off the new debts i wouldn’t have enough left for the down payment on the house I want for us.
I feel I have had a challenging yet amazing life but am in a spot where I could really use some help right now. My goal is $200,000 to pay off debt and put the down payment on the home that is available now but won’t be on the market for long. Even though if I only get a fraction of that I would use it to instal a standing shower in my house and just be able to provide for her there despite any other issues.
The work I need on my own house though has been quoted anywhere from $25,000 just to instal the shower, up to $75,000 to include other things like a fence to keep her safe and outside water control because I am pretty sure my crawl space flooded the other day with a big rainstorm. Honestly I love my house but there are people we want to get away from and, it needed work that I was going to do for myself until all this came up. Now I fear I will take a huge hit on selling it cause of the things it still needs and suspected water.
I have helped so many people fix their own financial situations over the last 15 years which makes me happy. But that came with high opportunity cost to me, which fine but, I decided I needed to take care of myself for a while before I can help any others again. But then this came up and it is my mother and I never ever want her to be alone through this horrible affliction. Alzheimer’s is literally the worst thing ever and I am so sad over how she will never be able to function again and her life may suck no matter what I do. :(
I have little money left with at least double the bills of the money I have (triple if I keep the care so I can go to PT so I’ll be able to go back to work). I feel like I am flailing with no where to turn. So I thought of this last night. I hope and pray someone would like to help us.
If by some miracle anyone does want to help with my request, I can use the money for downpayment for us and sell my house and pay off the debts so we can have a clean start closer to other family that is good. Or, if by some miracle I can get any help at all use it to pay off some of the debts and install at least the safety shower in my 1/2 bath to help keep her clean and sparkling, and other safety features.
I have to ask for the help for me as to not mess up her insurance and her other benefits income situation.
If the house I want gets sold before I find a way, I will have to look for another one or just fix my house which is fine. I never imagined being in this situation where I am not sure how to make the next 3 months work, but it is worth a shot. I understand if no one can help but my goal is $200,000 but anything will help us with the house that will work for us.
I did not know I would be telling our story today or asking for help so I apologize if I am all over the place. But from the bottom of my heart; Thank you so much for reading our story;)
