Today is February 8th, 2026 to say the past two months have been a whirlwind would be an absolute understatement. The saying goes unwaveringly true, “one step forward 10 steps back “. It has been such an overwhelming, emotional roller coaster. I think the last I wrote on here I lost my marital home. It was sold and I had a month to find a new place to live, pack up my entire house, be a present, single mom, go through the holidays and birthdays, All amongst doctors appointments and increased dosages of chemo, repeat scans, medication adjustments, etc. Exhaustion isn’t even the word: Physically emotionally mentally spiritually depleted in every way shape and form. I was blessed with the loving support of the gray ribbon riders as well as Life Church of Nazareth to carry me through the holidays-thank God for them to make the holidays special as I could for the last time in our home for myself and for Dominic. Shortly after Christmas was Dominic’s birthday. I still can’t believe he turned six. His dad hosted a birthday party for him at a baseball pro athlete place and stated so kindly I was not invited to, my own sons birthday party, but yet his girlfriend and her children were welcome to attend; my own child I can’t even celebrate his birthday because he can’t grow up enough to learn how to coparent; unbelievable. But this entry isn’t about him. It’s about me being the bigger person and letting go of the past, accepting what is, embracing the future, and having faith in what will be. I’m officially divorced, moved out of my marital home, shut the doors and said goodbye to all the memories-letting go of that home was not easy, but I didn’t have a second to even breathe much less grieve or being nostalgic because as soon as this house sold, I needed to move amidst showings while I also toured various properties for my own self to move into juggling all of that within three weeks was a nightmare and more stressful than I can even put in words. I thank God for my church community, my AA community, my cancer support community, my family, my friends, and my mom has been there unendingly for me, and I can never be more thankful or more grateful enough for her this past month, especially with the move; I literally could not have done it without her, and I am eternally appreciative for her and everyone else’s support!
it’s crazy to believe that I’ve been in my new place now for a week and like a lunatic and anxious ridden perfectionist that I am I was nonstop 48 hours straight of moving because of course when scheduling the movers they were to send four guys, a 26 foot truck for nine hours and what showed up was three guys, a 16 foot truck and one day that ended up being 12+ hours to the point where they had to come back the next day and we had to rent a 16 ft U-Haul, but thankfully, the movers out of the kindness of their hearts were off the next day and chose to do a personal favor for me and come all the way back from New Jersey to help me move the rest of my things from the marital home to my new place out of the goodness of their hearts. Kindness still exist in this world, and it was a very warm and reassuring feeling to know that I was a blessed receiver of that. Coincidentally my chemo was increased from 30 mg to 40 mg the day before the big move so insert the debilitating headaches, crippling, fatigue, nausea, lack of appetite, difficulty sleeping and anxiety ridden overthinking with being so overwhelmed with everything that I had to do all by myself. Sure people offered to help and they did when they could, but when it boils down to it when the doors are closed, the sun goes down and my living space is in shambles. I’m the one that needs to do it because I’ve learned that I can’t depend or rely on anyone other than myself which is sad so I pushed myself and I stayed up till 6 AM unpacking in the new place putting all the boxes in the garage to the point where I couldn’t even walk in the garage and within four days the entire house was unpacked curtains were out, pictured were hung, toys were organized, furniture were all in place. But I felt completely rundown between all of that, with my chemo increase, doctors appointments, trying to be a single present mom for Dominic, I completely crashed this weekend. I don’t know if it was God telling me to slow down or my body telling me to stop and catch up, or my nervous system, running in survival mode with hyper vigilance for so long, or my chemo, completely kicking my ass and being immunosuppressed around so many people being stubborn to wear a mask like I’m finally accepting that I need to do from now on. I crashed and felt like I got hit by a truck. I came down with something. I don’t know if that was the flu or what but it knocked me out Friday, Saturday and Sunday this weekend completely. Honestly, I did nothing but sleep no matter where I sat or no matter what I did I literally fell asleep. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more tired in my entire life. However, rewind to one week ago last Sunday, February 1, 2026 I decided around Christmas time that if God and my dad that I prayed to relentlessly were able to come through for me and help me find a place to live and that I got the townhouse that I really wanted in a great location that was perfect for coparenting and for all of my support network needs i.e. AA, Church, therapy, doctors appointments, and so on that I would get water baptized. I always had an interest in getting water baptized in envy. The people I saw I’ll get it done and since my spiritual awakening, I felt so compelled and moved to do it spiritually. And then, by the grace of God, he and my dad came through for me and I did get the townhouse I wanted so now I live in a three-story home townhouse in Nazareth 2.5 miles from Life Church in Nazareth, ironically enough, close to my AA family, sponsor, and still close to all of my AA home meetings that I attend every week six days a week. It’s also close to all my doctors appointments and close for coparenting for Dominic to be able to pick him up from school take him to his doctors appointments and spend time with him without worrying about a far commute. So because God followed through for me, I kept my promise for him and I got water baptized last Sunday at Life Church in Nazareth with my little Dominic with me to witness it. He initially said he wanted to “get dunked with mommy” but decided last minute he was too shy, which is fine. He still witnessed me declare my love for Jesus and accept him as my Lord and Savior so that’s what matters most to me-maybe someday he’ll be called to do it himself, but that’s his choice. It’s in God‘s hands. Since then, we had a huge snowstorm and Dominic and I had an absolute blast, sledding I haven’t done that since college. that little boy reminds me continually how to be present and to remind me of the more important things in life, to make memories and spend quality time together. Since I haven’t gotten back to driving yet, I still have to Uber everywhere, which is a colossal pain and extremely expensive. On the Sunday of the snowstorm prices were increased and I had a scheduled MRI of my brain with and without contrast, including the brain tumor protocol per my neurosurgeons request so to go from Nazareth to St. Luke’s Bethlehem was $30 one way thanks to the snow so there went the little money I did have. I can’t tell you how infuriating and humiliating it is to not have any money and no promise of any kind of income in the near future to live day by day scraping by and just literally surviving. It’s extremely exhausting and aggravating all at the same time. anyway, we closed on the marital home on January 30th, had a huge snowstorm, I got my MRI on Sunday because my Neuro surgery appointment follow up was supposed to be the following Monday; but when Monday rolled around, I get a call from my neurologist surgery office saying that my appointment is going to be rescheduled and moved to the end of March. Scanxiety is real. That a huge red flag to me because “he looked at the imaging and wants to talk to Dr. Bellman (my hematology oncologist) and to get his opinion and additional flare imaging before he sees you again and the soonest he can see you is March 30. so my overthinking anxiety is through the roof and of course I’m going down the proverbial rabbit hole of worst case scenarios with no answers. Around the same time I get a letter from SSISSD that I was denied disability. which I applied for on September 30 of 2025 and was told it’s a 5 to 7 month wait process so again I’ve had absolutely no money and no source of income other than selling things on Facebook marketplace since April of last year coming up on almost a year that I have survived literally through Facebook marketplace, from my mom, grants, and donations by you wonderful people I literally couldn’t do anything without all of you. So I closed on our marital home, expecting to receive the check to get me to be able to finally live and survive throughout the rest of this year and here the day of it falls to my ex-husband‘s lawyer to allocate the funds according to the Divorce decree, which is a court order so I leave the office with absolutely nothing. I call his lawyer’s office and they don’t answer the phone so then I have to wait until Monday to get the check. I pick up the check and I take it to the bank and the bank tells me it has to take 7 to 10 days in order for it to clear because it’s on hold because it’s a large amount. So now from closing on January 30 to when the check cleared on February 7 yesterday thank God finally, I have had zero dollars. The little money that I did receive unexpectedly through personal blessings ended up getting fraudulently spent as my Chime was hacked so as my brand new Bank of America card so I had to freeze all of my cards and get them replaced with new ones that are in the mail that will take 5 to 7 more business days. Amongst that I had a Service Electric technician come out to the house to set up my Wi-Fi, which is still not hooked up to my laptop or my printer or my son‘s iPad only to my phone and only one TV downstairs is hooked up the other three TVs do not even work so why did I pay for a technician to come out and do absolutely nothing I have no idea and no resources to be able to call to ask for help to set these things up for me- geek squad is like $130 per issue to come out to the house. it’s absolutely infuriating to be so constrained and so out of control of my finances that I have no option but to just sit and be patient and I am running low on patience tremendously. I wasn’t even able to pay the movers until my check cleared. It’s just this whole thing is just absolute insanity to go from being a respected Neuro clinician to a collegiate doctoral professor, with two masters degrees, a doctorate, five certifications, 22 letters after my last name, working my butt off making six figures a year, having a career I loved, owning a beautiful dream home, perfect marriage, family, my beautiful son, my dog, the car, the career- to go from having everything to losing it all is just devastating. The grief and loss that I continue to experience on a daily basis is just simply heartbreaking. I come across some reels on Facebook sometimes to talk about grieving the life that you thought you were going to have and being a single mom now at 39 years old rebuilding your life from rock bottom as you’re fighting terminal brain cancer is not exactly the life I envisioned for myself. Other things most people don’t even think about is my fertility clock. I wanted to have more children. Well of course the daily experimental oral medicinal chemo that I’m on the number one side effect other than headaches, fatigue, and nausea is fetal abnormalities and in order to even think about having more children I need to be off chemo for at least 4 to 6 months before even trying to get pregnant with who knows who?? but still having the option in the back of my mind would be nice to know but again that’s something I can’t control and I can’t plan for so I just give it up to God in full acceptance, full surrender it’s out of my hands. I’m learning to embrace God‘s grand design for me and trust him that what Im meant to have and be in life has turned out better and greater than I ever thought it would, despite the hardships challenges and tumultuous heartbreak that I’ve experienced over the last two years has been more than I can carry. But God is still with me and he’s still on my side and I wouldn’t be here with the little that I have now still fighting everyday, still pressing forward, still trying every day, if it wasn’t for God and my faith and my support network I don’t even want to know where I’d be. So the last two months: I lost my house. I got a townhome. I got water baptized. I Got denied disability. I moved. MY chemo increased. My neurosurgery appointment was bumped and then I read my MRI results through St. Luke’s my chart and it goes a little something like this:
3A - Worsening imaging findings favored to represent treatment effects including radiation therapy and medications. 3B - Worsening imaging findings favored to represent an indeterminant mix of treatment effects and tumor worsening. 3C - Worsening imaging findings favored to represent increasing burden of tumor. 4 - Worsening of imaging findings highly suspicious for tumor progression.
…..great. so I get these results literally as we’re pulling into the parking lot of my son’s school and I’m shook, I break down and start sobbing, but I still have to be a single mom and I have to pick up my son from school so I wipe away my tears. I get out of the car I walk up to him running into my arms and fight back my tears so he doesn’t see me falling apart inside. his aftercare teacher that I just simply adore asks me how I’m doing and I tear up again and can barely get the words out and say, “not great” while my son’s classmates are running around in the hallway, so it’s not exactly the ideal opportunity to discuss the possible progression of my terminal brain cancer nor is it a good time to talk about it in front of my six-year-old who’s just excited to see me and hug me and kiss me and show me the toy that he got at school today for having good behavior. so I wiped my tears away. I grabbed Dominic‘s hand and we walked out to the car together and I take a big deep breath because what else am I supposed to do? At my palliative care appointment this past week during our family meeting I asked her to explain to my mom what having a frontotemporoparietal brain tumor was like and she related it to frontal temporal dementia…lovely. Not exactly the family education I was hoping for nor was it something that I wanted to hear being compared to. Yes the tumor is 90% gone, but the continuous side effects are residual and persistent, and consistent on a daily basis between the active cancer residual tumor and chemo side effects: crippling, headache, nausea, debilitating, fatigue, chemo brain, memory difficulties, visual disturbances, irritability, emotional liability, and not to mention my mental health, plummeting with this overwhelming roller coaster of ups and downs. In one of my AA meetings on I hopped onto online since I was sick this weekend. The topic was the difference between faith and hope and I thought about that a lot as I read over my seven day devotional “our ultimate hope” by Max Lucado. Someone in the rooms described hope as the spark that brings us to these rooms and faith is the fire that keeps us warm while we’re here. I think that can be extrapolated into many different forms that are applicable to my life right now that hope sparks my desire to keep going and looking towards the future to keep pressing forward and faith is what keeps my fire burning and keeps me in the moment to stay present so as to not let my overthinking, anxious, overwhelmed mind take me down a rabbit hole that I can’t get out of. My EBT food stamps have also run out since December, so that is a large chunk of change that I have to spend every week that I can’t account for because of my lack of income, so I am heavily relying on selling things of my own that I have to let go of in addition to these donations to get me through until I don’t even know what happens next. My mental health is not good. My physical health is not good. My emotional health is not good. My spiritual health is grounded. That’s the only thing I feel like I have going for myself right now that and my Dominic. Needless to say, I’m looking forward to my mental health therapy session on Wednesday and getting back into the swing of things with my six AA meetings a week, meeting with my sponsor, going to church, and getting together with my social support network that I desperately need in order to stay connected. I’ve also discovered a wonderful resource called the cancer support community of the Greater Lehigh Valley and they have an exorbitant amount of activities and support groups available that are free, including open art therapy, Tibetan singing bowls, art therapy, people living with cancer support groups, family of people living with cancer support group groups, meditation, yoga, and much more. I’m also going to continue to research different foundations that offer grants to see if with the new year I would qualify for any of them and I need to call legal services of PA to challenge my disability denial and appeal it plus everything else I need to get done for the townhouse that needs work amongst more and more doctors appointments and taking care of Dominic I’m already tired but in moments like this I just need to breathe and take things one day at a time. I stumbled across this prayer that I thought was just wonderful from one of thebrain cancer support groups, prayer groups so I thought I’d share it below for anyone that needs to hear it…
please if you find it in your heart and your finances allow you to don’t need I need all the help I can get now more than ever or share the link and at the very lease please just send prayers for continued hope, and perseverance, resilience and strength for me because I feel like my cup is running out steadily and quickly. I don’t know how much more fight I have left in me. I almost feel like I need a miracle right now. Sorry for the depressing post but this is my reality candid, raw, vulnerable, and real. and I may seem sometimes bitter and resentful but I am still human with a huge broken heart grieving the loss of my marriage to someone Ithough I was going spend the rest of my life with and spent 10 years together married 13 years together and I’m reminded of it far too often when memories on social media come up or songs like lady Gaga’s “remember me this way” come on and I just lose it…
But this is what losing everything while battling terminal brain cancer looks like. This is my reality. This is my life.
Xoxo
Jules
Warriors of the gold and gray prayer support group:
Inspired by the heart-centered prayer requests shared within our group today, I want to offer these reflections back to you—not as answers, but as a shared breath, a shared footing, a shared hope. Please know this: every one of you is seen. Every story matters. Every tear counts. And we will continue to hold each family and every individual up in prayer as we walk this road together.
The River That Carries Us
To every heart in this community: life right now may feel like a river that has broken its banks. What once felt predictable is suddenly fast, loud, and out of control. Some of us are caught in the rapids, fighting to keep our heads above water. Others are standing stunned on the shore, wondering how the current moved so fast without asking permission. But hear this—even when the waters are wild, the river is what connects us. None of us are isolated drops. We are part of the same flow.
Scripture reminds us, “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you” (Isaiah 43:2). Notice it does not say if you pass through the waters, but when. God does not deny the river—He promises His presence in it.
* For those at the beginning:
You are just stepping into the water. It feels cold. The current presses hard against your legs, and everything in you wants to retreat to the familiar shore. But you are not wading alone. There are hands already reaching out to steady you—hands that have felt this same pull and survived it. There is a shield of prayer around you, acting as a breakwater against waves you do not yet know how to read. “The steps of a man are established by the Lord... though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong” (Psalm 37:23–24). Even uncertain steps are held.
* For those seeking a pause:
Some of you are longing for a moment where the noise quiets and the questions lose their grip. Look toward the Great Falls. Stand still and let the roar of the water drown out the relentless “what-ifs.” The thunder reminds us that there is a Power far greater than this disease, greater than statistics, greater than fear. And even in the mist—especially in the mist—there is often a rainbow waiting to be seen. “Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls” (Psalm 42:7). Even the overwhelming places are not God-forsaken places.
* For those in the messy middle:
You are the bridge builders. You are standing mid-stream, feet planted on slippery stones, holding everything together while water rises around your own knees. You are caregivers, parents, spouses, advocates, and warriors—often all at once. Your strength is not flashy, but it is holy. “God is not unjust; He will not forget your work and the love you have shown Him” (Hebrews 6:10). Every unseen sacrifice matters. Every exhausted act of love is recorded.
* For those in the tender shadows:
Some of you have reached the deep, still waters. The current has slowed. The silence feels heavy, almost sacred. This is not abandonment. This is holy ground. Do not be afraid of the stillness—it is often where the deepest reflection happens, where God does His quietest and most intimate work. “Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10). Love is sitting beside you on the bank, not rushing you, not fixing you—just staying.
* For those in the shock of loss:
It can feel as though the river has carried a piece of your heart out to a vast, unreachable sea. Five weeks or five years—it is never enough time. Grief does not follow logic or timelines. When you feel like you are sinking in the wake of departure, let this community be the life raft that holds you until the waters calm. “You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle” (Psalm 56:8). Not one tear falls unnoticed. Not one goodbye is dismissed.
We are all traveling this same river. Sometimes we paddle with purpose. Sometimes we drift because that is all we can manage. And sometimes we cling to one another for dear life—and that, too, is faith. The river does not end in chaos; it flows toward a Great Peace. “There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God” (Psalm 46:4).
So lift your eyes when you can. Watch the light dance across the surface of the water. You are seen. You are valued. You are deeply loved. And even when you feel too tired to swim, you are being carried.
If you are in the rapids today and need someone to throw you a line, please drop a 🌊 in the comments so we can circle back to you. You don't have to explain—we already know the water is high.
Walking the bank with you,
Bill
A Prayer for Our Community
Lord, we lift up this entire family of hearts. You know every name, every scan result, every empty chair, and every silent prayer whispered in the dark. We ask that You would be the steady ground beneath us when the current pulls hard. For the weary, give rest; for the fearful, give peace; for the grieving, give Your tenderest comfort.
Let this group be a place where no one sinks, because we are all holding onto the rope together. May Your grace flow through our lives like a river that never runs dry, reminding us that we are never alone, never forgotten, and always held in Your hand.
In the powerful and faithful name of Jesus, Amen.
Apparently yesterday was World cancer day, but for me having brain cancer🩶 It’s every day. I spent yesterday sitting in my pockets of Care doctors office discussing the hardships. I’m feeling from the increased dose of chemo; So thankfully, spent the rest of the day with my biggest inspiration the light of my life, my Dominic, he keeps me present and teaches me to appreciate every single little moment. I thank God for him His hugs and his kisses and for always making me smile no matter what💙
