It's a terrible thing to be a grown adult, an old timer, only to find yourself going in and out of terrible fear and foreboding thinking that you just might not make it out of where you've gotten stuck in the hope of maybe seeing better days.
I like it best when it's evening, or the weekend, because offices are mostly closed, business is put on hold for at least some hours, and the fear lessens to a degree since maybe I'll have more time before the chaos of what I need to accomplish starts all over again.
I'm not here to whine, please know that. For anything wrong, painful or frightening in my life, I know there are those that would trade places with me in a heartbeat.
Getting used to spotfund, I've been reading the stories and campaign needs of others. It's hard not to feel like my problems are so small by comparison to what others here are faced with and that maybe I should delete my campaign.
I wish my finances were better than what they are so that I might be donating rather than asking for help. But hopefully that day might come.
Life is such a beautiful prospect with so much to enjoy. But unfortunately there are things that happen to people and their lives that in a moment can destroy any hope.
Before coming here today, there have been quite a number of times of ups and downs. Times where I didn't know how to survive and get beyond a second. And somehow I am still here. It took and still takes a lot of prayer, sometimes that's all you have. And the blind faith that once again you might just pull through.
A flood of fear just went through me when I just paid as much as I could at the moment towards delinquent taxes on a family home I inherited in 2022 with the passing of my mom. A parent passing is hard enough without the terrible circumstances that can surround their death.
Her end was not what I had hoped for. Six months earlier she went almost overnight into full blown dementia to the point where she became so terrified and confused she had to be tied to her bed to prevent her from hurting herself or others caring for her.
As if circumstances weren't bad enough, the care facility forged her name on a SSA Payee Change Form making themselves the recipient of the last of her SSA payments taking the money I had intended to use to pay for her cremation leaving me once again not knowing how to cover the debt.
I've been trying to save that childhood home and am desperately trying to get to where I can as soon as possible get everything packed from the house I've lived in for 26 years, loaded and moved there. Fortunately it is only three hours away but right now it's looking like a million miles.
My hope is that at 76 there might be still some time left where I might be able to enjoy life even a bit better than the way it's been going this past 20+ years without so much terrible pressure and insecurity.
It's not a mansion which in is not something I've sought anyway. But it's quite fixable and if I get get moved there I feel it will help me heal and recover from both physical and mental health issues I've been dealing with primarily since 2007, along with some newly added diagnosis such as with my heart, diabetes, neuropathy. It would definitely make a huge financial change in my life since the house has been paid for. There would be no mortgage payments.
I'm unable to stay much longer in this house since first it has been foreclosed on. And soon of course will come a sheriff's sale and I will be forced to leave. Time of course is critical. I'm worn out but have to force myself to keep going. Sometimes I want to do absolutely nothing after 40+ years of working but my time needs to be spent on trying to solve current critical issues before any more disaster hits.
It's impossible to keep this house due to the bank only being willing to accept a monthly mortgage payment of $1800 which is insane for me. That would leave me barely $250/mo to survive on. With my being partially disabled the house I'm in is not even conducive to being handicapped in any way since due to the period it was built there a stairs everywhere.
Due to the long lasting impact injuries I sustained in a fall down concrete steps at work in 2007 having left me partially disabled and in pain almost all of the time. I currently walk with a cane. I have to wear knee/leg supports or a brace in order to support especially my right knee which needs a replacement. The left knee is now starting to give me problems as well due to my relying on it as my main support. I have major issues at times with severe lower back and neck pain.
My family home is all one level. No stairs or high entrances/exits. Very open which in the case I do eventually need a mobile scooter, getting around would be easy. The house opens on a large fenced yard which would allow me to spend time outdoors. With two dogs that would be a pleasure.
Once living in the house I'm afforded several county tax breaks ie interest on amounts due being lower, emergency repayment program availability, other programs that are offered if I'm a permanent resident.
It's a community well surrounded with ease in shopping, a senior center two blocks away where meals are a available and hospitals are nearby. I currently get a lunch meal each day here from our local Senior Citizen Center which proves a blessing.
But the huge problem is that now being partially disabled and unsteady on my feet I simply can't accomplish packing, lifting, and loading my belongings by myself and without help to get them moved from here to there.
And of course there's the expense of hiring a moving truck or storage containers such as PODS or a less expensive moving company.
The story of how I ended up in this situation is very tedious and complicated. This demise I've been trying to work my way out of these past 20 years came about all because I was a reputable whistleblower in the workplace in 2007. As if that wasn't bad enough I took a terrible fall down concrete steps outside of work causing all kinds of injuries including broken bones and sprains. The disabilities I cope with now in my life are a direct result of that fall and the neglect I was forced into at work to punish me for speaking out against our breaking the law.
I was preparing last spring to make the big leap from the house I'm in to our family home when unfortunately in June I had a heart attack that required a triple bypass. It was a terrifying experience to say the least and took the wind right out of me coming at such a critical time.
All of a sudden I was in hospital trying to get someone to take care of my two little dogs along with keeping the electricity on thinking how there was just no time to have a heart attack or be sick.
So the prep to move last summer was delayed due to surgery, recovery time, and limitations due to the surgery.
Now, here I am, sitting in my home which has been foreclosed on, knowing any day I might get the notice to vacate. Most of my possessions are here which I truly hope I can take with me. It would help greatly to have the treasures and treats working and living all those years afforded me.
Today continues to present the same problems as yesterday, the need for funds to make any of this even possible. I'll admit I'm worn thin, I believe with anyone facing a crisis it's important to monitor my mental state.
To help raise money to make this move I've been selling anything I have of value so to add any funds I can.
In all this, I have the disorder of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which I've had and been treated for many years that at times make it tougher when the pressure and fears gets great. A survivor of violence, I thought I was doing good changing my life to hopefully eliminate the chances of repeated violation. But that didn't work when the violence and abuse came at me in my last place of employment.
While attempting to discuss the violations I had found in conducting our work I unfortunately told my manager I'd been diagnosed with CPTSD years earlier which was a terrible costly mistake. She knew I'd almost been shot in a domestic relationship, that's I'd been stalked and threatened over a long period of time. She knew I'd almost had a nervous breakdown.
Instead of giving this any concern she started doing all kinds of behavior towards me that you just don't do to someone with such a diagnosis. It got so bad that she got a foot within my face and shouted at me that I should just keep my mouth shut, I didn't know who I was dealing with. Another incident happened where on leaving work for the day I found my car totally smashed in on the driver's side making it undrivable. Not a simple scratch or dent. Fully crushed in as it someone plowed into it a high speed.
I come here like others, to ask for any possible help there might be through the kindness of donations so I can continue to try putting my life back together after so many years of struggling.
Housing insecurity is a terrible thing. The fear of ending up homeless after having been a productive valued employee and human being for so many years is terrible. In spite of attempted blacklisting I'm blessed that I was always well respected in my work and given great credibility. That's why I became such a threat to those sping wrong at work.
Due to the professional and personally jealousy amongst that last group of co-workers I worked with, a good job was done of their trying to take away almost everything in my life in order to create a false story and to present me as a failure.
The story of all that happened, and what it has left me with is something I must digest and accept everyday trying to keep it small since there are so many huge parts of what I need to do and manage in order to survive this and reach for better things
After that terrible fall down concrete steps at work with my sustaining all kinds of physical injuries like broken collarbone and rib, injuries to my hands and arms, both knees, sprained neck and other injuries, I was barely in the condition to face the battle of addressing the numerous violations I had attempted exposing and I began to fade.
To wear me down and weaken me every attempt I made to schedule needed surgeries, make follow up appointments for aftercare were blocked so I was denied proper medical care along with being written up and corrective action being started in order to fire me.
The years since have been very hard in many ways, the level of pain I came to live with still continues and affects the quality of life I'd hope to have in these later years.
I am in terrible need of knee replacements due to the injuries to my knees from the fall. I must wear knee supports and braces to give my knees the stability and strength I need in order to just stand let alone start moving around. I have to use a cane for a long time now for added support.
I have to stay focussed on each step I take since at any time either knee could give out which have been responsible for a few falls. I'm very slow, moving around and especially accomplishing anything requiring physical labor and stamina is very short. Since the bypass surgery I've had severally scary experiences where shortness of breath became an issue requiring me to go to the emergency room but so far all has turned out ok.
With the lack of strength and stability in my legs, accomplishing any labor or work is very hard. I have limited range of motion in my left arm which makes it almost impossible to life and carry anything. There is lasting damage to the nerves in my neck and lower back. At times I can only work for less than an hour before I have to sit and rest before starting again. For years I've had to take one step at a time placing both feet on a step before I can move on to the next.
To say the least I'm rather broken. And broken doesn't work well when you have to accomplish major tasks like packing and moving.
Any day now I could get notice to move since they are planning a sheriff's sale. I have all my possessions here along with my two little dogs. Fortunately the house I'd be moving to is only two and half hours away.
Since I am of little use in doing so much of what is needed to accomplish the move, I must now rely on hiring packers, movers, cleaners, etc. to get everything moved to the other house. Along with that is the need to find as economically as possible moving trucks.
I've looked into PODS and similar moving solutions. I'm trying to find a way to transport everything so at 76 and quite broken I might have a chance to put together some kind of life better than what I've known for years.
My parents have passed, friends have moved on and I have no other family or people to rely on for help physically or financially.
I may be a fool hoping I can actually put together a life again at this age and in my condition health wise but I keep trying.
My car sits with flat tires, in terrible need of a full checkup and tuning in the hope that it will be drivable again. I haven't driven it for some 12 years. I rely heavily on Uber and Lyft which gets very expensive. Two weeks of doctors appointments and care several years ago due to severe cataracts easily cost around $600+ just for rides. The car may have to be towed to the other house to wait until funds become available to start work on it can begin. That's a cost of approx. $250. That's all a lot cheaper than investing in a new used car.
So I'm here, like many others reaching out for any help anyone might be able to offer in donations so I'm able to accomplish any part of of these huge tasks.
I'll admit fear of further loss and the potential of homelessness are extremely weighty.
Most recently one of my little dogs has started going blind from age. I would like to be able to give him better care as he deserves.
I thank you so much for reading my story, listening to the plight of one rather old lady who is still trying to maintain hope and not give up.
Anything you can offer, even the smallest, would be greatly appreciated. I am a stranger to you as we both are. I hope you know that to ask this is not easy. But the alternatives are much worse.
If you're not able to donate anything, I fully understand and thank you for your time.
As always prayers are always welcome.
Blessings to you,
Donna
