🪳🪳🪳🪳I Am Cockroach Girl!🪳🪳🪳🪳🪳
Wild Spirit. Rambunctious and free. These are the words I would use to best describe me as a child. Even then I knew I was different and I wouldn’t change anything that has shaped me into the woman I am today. Why cockroach girl? Because a childhood image is embedded deep within my soul that defines how I see the world. It happened in the midst of a monsoon. With my mother yelling at me in the background to get inside the house, the image of two little cockroaches struggling to survive kept me rooted to my spot. I begged my grandpa to help me make a makeshift toy boat and I pushed it over to where the little roaches were so they could have something to climb onto and survive. The image of one of the roaches climbing on top and floating safely away has stayed with me to this day.
I was born in Lahore, Pakistan, and moved to Charleston, South Carolina when I was 8 years old. I'm ¼ Indian, ¼ Pakistan, ¼ Arabian, and ¼ Persian. To say there weren’t too many kids in school that looked like me is an understatement. Growing up in two very distinct cultures brought with it many challenges. I was raised in a very altruistic, collective society and had to quickly adapt to a very individualistic society. Constantly balancing what was defined by Middle Eastern standards as selfish versus what American society considered healthy boundaries…it was definitely an internal identity crisis. I wanted nothing more than to fit in, feel beautiful and shave my mustache!
As the eldest of three children, I always took on the nurturing role to my two younger siblings. My relationship with my mother was, actually remains, complicated. As a child I always picked up on a palpable hatred from my mother towards me. I couldn’t explain it, I just knew. And hence, began my lifelong thirst to gain her approval. It didn’t matter that I spoke 7 languages (Urdu, English, Arabic, Hindi, Spanish, Farsi, and Punjabi), achieved a bachelor's degree in biology and a master's degree in psychology…I still felt less than. My father and siblings have been my constant cheerleaders and to this day, stand by me no matter the circumstances.
My road to where I am today has been a difficult journey. I endured racism following the horrific events of September 11. I am a rape survivor. I was in an arranged marriage. I overcame both an eating disorder and an alcohol addiction. I am divorced. I struggled with postpartum depression. I survived an attempt on my life. I live with ADHD. I have attempted to commit suicide. But this is not a sad story…there is a happy ending. Because all of these events molded me into the woman I am today. My hope is that sharing my story will help another person realize that you choose how your story ends. I choose to turn the narrative around. I decide to see the beauty in all things.
My experience with racism led me to write my thesis on Perceived vs Actual Racism Against Muslims Following the Events of September 11. It allowed for much needed conversation. When I laid on a stretcher following an attempt on my life, a stranger walked up to me and showed me empathy. She looked me straight in my eyes and told me she would not leave me alone…she told me I was safe. Seeking counseling allowed me to begin healing, finding my voice again and realizing my true value. My marriage to Faraz may have been arranged but he became the one person who taught me unconditional love. He loved me in a way that no one else had and gave me the greatest gift of all…my daughter Ayrah Noor…my light, the light of my life. My bond with my daughter grew slowly with time and is now unbreakable. She is my child through and through. I continue to heal, I spread positivity into the world, I choose to love, I am cockroach girl.
It is taboo to speak about many things in Middle Eastern culture, to include rape, mental health, postpartum depression, divorce, and addiction. I wish someone would have shared their story with me to help me navigate my journey. It is my sincere wish that my story opens those lines of communication, that it helps someone to seek help, to speak up, to share.
"People are just as wonderful as sunsets if you let them be. When I look at a sunset, I don’t find myself saying, ‘Soften the orange a bit on the right-hand corner.’ I don’t try to control a sunset. I watch with awe as it unfolds."
– Carl R. Rogers
