Japan Trip

I had a trip to Tokyo planned back in November of 25 with 2 other people. as time went on plans were made and such, around March one of the people dropped due to passport issues. no worries, i still had one going and she was very adamant about still going. well come april 9 we both had tickets bought, hotel set, activities pre purchased, etc. everything ready! and then her mom got sent to the hospital the day we were gonna leave. she decided on not going to tend to her mom, and in that whole ordeal i decided to not go as i had the mind set of sharing joy with another friend and having all the fun planned by myself just sounded depressing oddly enough. i wish i took it back, cuz after realizing what i chose i began a very bad spiral of depression. i had it in my mind i was gonna unalive myself so i sold things and used all that saved up money and just donated it to people online. so not only did i lose money from the plane, hotel, and booked activities; i also lost possessions and the saved up money as i thought i'd be gone. therapy helped me back into a somewhat stable mindset, but i'm empty and hurt. i want to go to japan still, but i don't have the saved up funds that i spent half a year doing. i HATE asking for money but this is a dream i've had for over a decade. my mentality is dependent on going again.