The universe can't give what we don't ask for so I'm trying that out. As many of my friends and family know I've been a mother since I was 19. I moved away from home in search of something, God, myself, a life doing music and some sense of worthiness.
I was young. I won't call my past a mistake because any road that leads us to this present breath of life, still living, still loving is a reason to be grateful. I am grateful.
I am so blessed. So loved. So full.
This isn't a story I'm sharing to ask for a hand out or to get atop my soap box and share with you all my struggles.
We all struggle. I don't believe in entitlement to anything.
This is my story about hope. Dreams and life, learning, growing, mothering, being a woman, a human, a friend and a lover, a failure and a victor. Because we are all things.
I am a domestic violence survivor and yet I still carry shame in announcing that because the whole reason people stay is the blame they place on themselves and the shame accompanied with staying. I had three children, people called me stupid to my face. I was just a baby. From 18-25 after moving away from Rhode Island I suffered severe emotional, physical and sexual trauma at the hands of my partner and the father of my children that I'm still realizing I have to continue to work through. I left when my grandmother passed away, it was much like this moment. A large shift took place and I took back my freedom.
This pandemic has been interesting and scary and confusing. It's reminded me of how much I need to keep going, keep believing.
We are stronger. In spirit. In community. In love.
There is...
Awareness.
About the things we think, absorb, hear, eat, read, see and believe. We are paying more attention. We are seeing ourselves.
or we choose not to
Acceptance.
This is where we are. Still grateful, but here in this moment this is where we are. Whatever bills, relationships, jobs, people and actions we have/we are/we commit to. It is as it is. As we have willed it and as It will be. This is letting go.
Adjustment
This is power.
This is our will.
and I'm still not giving up on my calling to sing, to heal, to send messages of hope and love and human expression around the world. I'm not giving up on being a mother either. I won't say it's hard. I'll say
"Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?
So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."
These words remind me of my connection to what's more than this society/society's as it stands.
We are connected to this place and each other. More than we can ever know, more than most of us can see.
I'm taking my children to explore and to live on the road for the spring and summer. I'm Touring my music and selling our art. Kaden my son makes organic dog treats and gardens and I'm eventually gonna get him to play his ukulele in front of people lol if he chooses of course. My daughter Elena has had a really hard time with friends this year. I need to break the patterns of toxicity and the chains of my parents vices and fears within me and feed her soul with more than the promise of a 9-5 and a husband. Women if you know what I mean you know what I mean. No insult to the amazing men who make it work in every way for their children. Maria is a dancer/gymnast and she's so talented and beautiful and bright. My youngest Kori who's almost 2 is always happy and can sit at almost any instrument already and work it out. (Thanks to her beautiful father who is not on this journey with me but is an amazing father to his daughter, all peace and love for you)
I am so grateful to all the people who have shown me myself, my power and who I am becoming.
I won't build a legacy for my children, my family if I'm not true to my calling. I know it. I've always known it but I have been so afraid of being alone, doing it alone.
I am going to make a way.
I'M NEVER GOING TO STOP.
The first step is raising the rest of the money for the motor home and some extra money for emergencies. I need support so I can finish my album and have some content and merchandise to travel with. This is where I'm asking for support.
I know some think it's silly. I don't. I can't. I believe in me. I believe in hope. I believe callings don't fall upon us without reason. There's this energy building up all the time at the center of my chest and it bursts forth my my being through song. That is my love to give. I am gratefully indebted to all who believe with me and for me even when I can't.
