Where to begin? My story sounds almost fiction at times. Something to garner pity or sympathy. But those are the last things i want. I cant count the times ive heard wow i wish that there was something i could do while they look at me w pity. Those words just make me want to scream.
By now trauma is just old hat to me. At 8 years old i watched my step dad drown before my eyes. One moment he was there clinging to the life perserver, desperately trying to get the attention of the one car to pass this normally busy tourist attraction in spring and summer, but little used in the cold month of march, the next he was swallowed up by the hungry river.
In his last.moments he was a hero. He managed to save me with little regard for his own Life after finally getting the lone drivers attention he calmly told me that the flotation device was water logged and stated matter of factly that he was not going to make it and simply let go of my hand that only a short time ago he had done everything imaginable to get to as we were tossed this way and that amongst the flotsam of the turbulent waters. Of White River. I felt his body brush past mine as he was swept down into the dark not to be seen again for over a year later.
Aftrr that all i could do was lay on my back and keep kicking in the direction i thought shore must be. Numb with cokd and exhausted beyond belief i still never stopped kicking, even as i passed in and out of consciousness.
Hours later in total darkness when my small body was pulled from the swollen river, blue from the cold of the march snow melt and unconscious, i am told that even then i was still kicking with what strength remained in my reserves.
I suffered severe hypothermia but no other aparent damages so after a week in the hospital i was sent home to my shattered family to process the complicated feelings of survivors guilt on my own. I had learned at a young age not to show my fears and especially not my tears. So that is exactly what i did. I soon began to worry that something must be wrong w me though. Even i could see that something wasnt right w my behavior. even as the adults around me chalked it up to the resiliency of youth, i would sit in private amd stare at my step fathers photo trying to force tears that would not come.i thought that surely i must hate the man whom i had followed everywhere my entire childhood.
Had i received any counseling i might have comebto learn this wasnt completely out of the normal. But as things stood i dare not bring up my concerns w anyone in my life at that time. I couldn't bare to cause my mother to cry anymore than she already did. And as for church i had even worse fears i couldnt bare to have confirmed. My step father had always to my knowledge been an atheist, but at his funeral all anyone talked about was that he was in heaven now. I couldnt stand the thought of a man i loved spending an eternity in hell so for many years it was easier to make myself believe that i truly did hate him.
to add insult to injury i experienced much resentment from the ppl who had been family to me my entire lfe. My very survival, a scrawny 8 yr old, seemed to be some kind of insult to the legacy of the proud military man that his family all cherished. How coukd i survive whike god had taken him away from them. And since i had two younger siblings their was no escaping the obvious shift in treament i received from his half of our family.
But as always, damaged children if left to their own devices grow up to become damaged adults. I now have severe ptsd, crippling social anxiety and bipolar disorder just to name a few of my current issues. I most like always had to some degree autism as well, making navigating these complex social amd emotional difficulties on my own innumerbly hardeŕ than necessary.
You might ask where was my actual father during all this. He played his own role for certain. I was long past expecting his involvement in my life at this point, but deeply overjoyed when one day shortly after the accident he was waiting at my bus stoo. He told me he was back forever. But forever turned out to mean two weeks. He just showed up at my school and explained to me in the cab of his truck that he'd be heading back to California and would be long gone before final bell that day. I remember that it was raining because i refused to look at him. Focusing instead on how the water beaded up on the window of my door. I refused to let him see me cry. Then he sent me back to class and i had to finish out the day after losing a father for the second time in nearly as maby weeks.
He showed up the next summer to introduce me to a new brother. I dont know how it took me ao many years to work out exactly what had happened there. Mom had after all always maintained that he would have wanted me if id only been born a boy. The evidence wasnt in dispute. After all my moms twinnsister married my real dads brother and they had two boys. Every summer i watched as they were dropped off at a grandpas house who i wasnt even allowed to go in and say hi to.
I have had difficulty maintaining relationships, making friends and have never held a job longterm. I have severe abandonment issues amd a deep distrust of men. I went out of my way trying to prove i was better than any boy always using my cousins as the goal post. I cant imagine why im having difficulty adulting lol
While socially and emotionally inept, sheer intelect was never in question. I graduated high-school third in my class with a 1 year old son on my hip. I was the valedictorian of my class at a junior college where i studied nursing, despite delivering two babies along the way.
But my choice in degrees caused more problems than it solved. Im deeply ashamed to say that easy access to patiens unwanted or leftover medications complicated things very quickly and i soon left the profession that was to be my family's salvation behind only to sink into a dark depression that lasted years Coming back from. Crippling depression amd opioid dependency was one of the hardest things ive ever done. But since my husband of now over 25 years suffered his own demons and run in with the law, primarily driving infractions, but get enough and even they come with felony convictions and real jail time,coming back was a must. Losing my children was the last thing i woukd ever allow myself to do.
I did my best and my love for my children was never in any doubt. Weve always had struggles, some were of our own making and many more simply thrust upon us by a cruel world. But more recently the worlds cruelties have become more than any family should have to bare alone.
In the past two years alone ive been in three car accidents, none of them my fault. The first was caused by a yiung woman running a 4 way stop at near 50 miles an hour and slamming into our passenger side. The second was a rear end collision by an elderly gentleman who claimed to have either forgotten to hit the brakes or that his foot had slipped...he wasnt sure wich one. And the third time, a woman inexplicablypulled out from her stop sign and from where i sat seemed to almost be aiming for me as she slammed into my drivers side door and smashing it into my left shoulder and knee while throwing my recently surgically repaired neck violently to the right. She claimed i was in her blind spot at the scene according to the officer i spoke with, but for the life of me i could not figure out just where her supposed blind spot was.
Each one of these accidents set my family a little further from the goal post. Insurance barely covered paying off the cars amd left nothing to actually buy a new one. Each time we had to come up w a new down-payment. Twice we had to borrow money from our sons financial aid causing him to inevitably sublet his apartment and give uo his newfound independence to move home and help the family.
In that same time we lost everything in a tragic house fire wich my husband refused to sue out of loyalty to his employer who had magnanimously rented us a house w no appliances, any form of heat or even smoke detectors. We had to provide the appliances and a woefully inadequate heat source out of our own pockets. Unfortunately we weren't aware of the lack of smoke detectors. Although his boss said hed do anything he coukd to help us outaft the fire, they didn't so much as offer a gift card to the grocery store, let alone reimburse us for all the costs we incurred to move in.
We had lost everything but worst of all i had lost the one thing i had of any personal value. All of my paintings were gone. They were what i had woth passing down to my children. at one time i was quite good, but due to a shoulder injury i can no longer paint that way. Not to mention i cant afford to replace my paint set.
Now my youngest son, who happened to be awake that night cant sleep through the night. No wonder since everyone told him what a hero he was and how we all surely would have died of not for him being awake that night. Of course he cant sleep now. What if the night he drifts off to dreamland is the night that gets us all killed.
My husband suffered from severe ptsd after the fire. His nightmares were relentless. He woke up in cold sweats every night. And when we found it difficult to find a place to live right away, he took it personally as if it somehow reflected upon him as a provider. He began drinking heavier and heavier. Our lives we mre spiraling out of control
As a result of car crash number 2 i suffered severe whiplash. The symptoms werent obvious at first. I was dropping boxes at work. Tipping over my left foot, having difficulty typing etc. Eventually i started having difficulty raising my arms to my face, feeding myself, dressing, even using a tampon. I fell down nearly every time i stood up . Doctors were looking at only individual problems amd not the whike picture . One doctor actually tried telling me i had spontaneously developed carpal tunnel syndrome and radial nerve damage in both arms all at once. When i was skeptical and i asked about the falling down he simply said one thing at a time and assured me that i most certainly had carpal tunnal.
Finally i did get a doctor to order an acial mri wich showed a comolete block of spinal fluid from c2 to t2. Surgery was scheduled almost immediately. I had a lamictomy and spinal fushion from c2 to t2 wich is considered major surgery. The back of each vertebrae were cut off releaving the pressure on the spinal cord and screws and rods were placed in my neck. This left me unable to work and unable to drive for a while. But i was recovering beautifully and doing well enough for james to finally check himself voluntarily into rehab for his drinking for the first time that year.
Driving was always my primary family contribution it seemed. I was always the family chauffeur. Luckily i was doing well enough that i could resume my post and oir son was able to continue w his studies by commuting back and forth to IU.
Then as i recovered physically and emotionally, thr unthinkable happened. Yes thats when, i was tboned while driving to my first pt appointment. This left me with a broken neck broken screws and a bent rod. It caused in short what is called total hardware failure. What that means is that everday it feels as if a pair of dumb bells are tied around my neck while i strule to hold my head up.
James's fragile sobriety didnt hold up to the added stress that kept pilling on amd he had to go into rehab for the second time in a year further compounding our financial difficulties amd leaving two boys barely ito adukthood to hold things together financially once again.
That first surgery was the worst pain ive ever felt in My life. Despite having a morphine pain pump, i woke up screaming un pain after the anesthesia wore off. Now in order to repair the damage caused by one careleßs uninsured driver, i am forced to go under the knife again in the very near future. This surgery wont be like the last one. It will actually be much much more extensive. I now have to have rods place the entire length of my spine severely limiting mobility and flexibility. And the doctors have made sure to let me know tha this surgery wilk do absolutely nothing to help the constant pain i feel. In fact, they say it could actually increase my pain. The goal they say is not to be painfree,but to keep me out of a wheelchair and hopefully help me to once again hold up my own head.
We are still battling in court over damages. Who could blame us for falling a little behind even w three adults working we still cant seem to get anywhere. Each week is a nightmare not knowing wich bill to leave unpaid. Sure id love to get an electric wheelchair so i could actually keep up w the family to walk more than a block.but a 40 percent copsy is just not in the cards. Hell we cant even afford to put our beloved family dog of 13 years to sleep so she can pass from this life without suffering.
The one bright spot in the past year was the birth of our granddaughter . She is everything to me and to her doting papaw. We have been making plans to move closer to them. My son in laws job caused them to move out of state not long after they announced her pregnancy. He is finishing his medical residency in columbus.
As things are i dont know how we will ever be able to move. We cant pay bills as it is, so how will we ever save enough to move put of state. Her other grandparents are able to provide her w everything she could ever need and more². Everyone says money doesn't matter but i think those ppl aren't the kind of people who have truly felt the pressure that being broke puts on you or been on the other side of a huge financial imbalance between in-laws.
Dont get me wrong, Im glad that my granddaughter will never want for anything, but it would be nice to be able to actually provide some of those things myself. Its soul crushing to walk into a home that compared to yours is a mansion to atend a 1 year olds catered party and have to lie and tell everyone that you had to ship her gift and it should be arriving soon because you are ashames at your own meager offeringss.well, almost nothing as soul crushing until you see your special moment w the birthday girl, the only one you would have gotten that week ripped away from you as the mother in law bursts in and takes over and you see that your daughter isnt willing to just tell her that she had already asked me to help.
it breaks my heart not being w her and it breeds a little more resentment that i like to admit when from where im standing and from what ive seen...money will always matter in the end. I cant wait three years to live close enough to be there at a monents notice .to read bed time stories. To be the first they call for help when they or heaven forbid the baby gets sick.Proximity is the great equalizer in grandparenting and i need to gain some ground. Literally.
Taking care of our grand daughter on their visits is thr few times i truly see the light return to my husbands eyes. Hes crushed all over again each time she retuns to ohio . Hes back on the wagon amd well on the road to recovery. But hes only really alive when hes with his girl. Hes a born caregiver. They say in recovery people places and things... for him shes his people and his place. We need to start over and get awy frim this town for all our sakes.
And i know how lonely my daughter is in a strange town away from friends and family. Away from her mother. She has a masters degree but for now chooses to be home w her child. but She needs help and i need them like the air in my lungs.i need to be there now!
We are looking for ways to better our situation longterm so that we arent asking for just a bandaid. My husband has signed up for an intro to welding class that hopefully leads into a legitimate course in welding. My boys are limited as to the jobs they can take currently. Both have a healthy fear of driving and for good reason. I have always been thrieir primary transportation but despite these accidents not being our fault they have left insurance premiums too high to pay when rent is a monthly difficulty. Once im driving again my hope is that my autistic son who does have a bachelors degree from Indiana University can find some work in a neighboring ciry in his chosen field of media instead of working a job he hates and that i can see week after week draining the life from him. . And my youngest son can hopefully begin thinking about college or vocational school. They both contribute generously to our survival and without them we wouldn't.make it. I want them to move w us when the time comes but not because they feel they have to.
Sometimes everbody needs a little help from a friend. Im asking if today you could be my friend. Thankyou so much for your time, and may god bless.
