Hello! I’m Tristan, I am a 21 year old ftm. I am saving up for top surgery. I have no insurance and am trying to find an affordable plan that covers trans health care. I am also selling my art (will be linking at a later time) to help collect money for my surgery. Any funds not used for surgery related care will not be kept by myself and will be donated, as I feel that I should help spread the kindness that was shown to me. Having said all of this I would like to tell you a little about myself.
The cards haven’t always been in my favor to say the least though, I have not had a terrible life. Things happen for a reason, I suppose, as had things been different I would not be where or who I am today.
TW - bullying and depression thoughts, nothing overly detailed
I was the rainbow baby (ironically) for my parents, a child whom they were starting to doubt they’d have. They fawned to me, absolutely spoiling me with every once of affection that they had. A short two years later my parents were given another baby, a little boy. My father was thrilled to have a boy and a girl, our names picked out for us before he had even met my mom. I was my dad’s spoiled little brat, he couldn’t go anywhere without me hanging from his leg. I wanted to do everything he did. My brother however was a little bit on the softer side, a kind little boy who was a tad sensitive. It caused troubles between my dad and brother. Brother clung to Mom while I remained at my dad’s side, I was just like him. I was surrounded by cousins, mostly slightly other boys, who I would run around in the mud shirtless with. Had to do everything they did from wrestling to chasing the girls around with frogs.
Years go on and we are forced to move from our home, a small city with a diverse population of all types of people, due to a catastrophic house fire. We lost everything. My mom was traumatized by the experience, my dad was too but not like she was. We did rebuild the house but mom had nightmares of that house which caused us to move wherever my dad could be transferred to with work. We moved to the other side of the state, hours away from everything I had known. I didn’t know at the time how terrible this would be.
It was a small town of less than 6,000 with half the population counted by the prison. Despite the small size there were at least four churches, maybe even as many as seven. Not a single person there wasn’t white. To say it was a culture shock would be an understatement. The town was very “traditional” , a clear divide from how men and women were to act. For the first time in my life I was different. They boys didn’t want to play with me because I was a girl, the girls didn’t want to play with me cause I acted worse then the boys. I was alone and scared. I never had a thought about how different I was from the other girls and boys before, no one had ever brought it up before. I had boyfriends and girlfriends in pre-school, I hung out with the boys always, no one had a problem with it before. Suddenly this wasn’t okay, how I acted, who I was wasn’t okay anymore. My dad was swept up into the beliefs of the town causing him to turn on me and my brother. Dad suddenly made sure that I was in a dress and playing with the other girls, draped in pink and playing with dolls. I never hated any of it but I had never been told I had to like it, never been told I needed to be like the other girls. My sweet little brother suddenly said that when he cried he would be forced to wear a dress as he was acting like a girl, and if he couldn’t act like a man he shouldn’t be treated as one. No longer could me and my brother play dress up, as he would be punished. No longer could I hang out with the boys, because my dad knew how they thought. This caused a huge divide between the only person I was friends with.
I would like to say it got better as I got older, but it got worse. In high school hung out with the gay kids and socail regects, sadly the same group. They seemed nice and I truly adored them. I was told to kill myself and called slur daily, pushed down the stairs countless times. When I came out to my friends as trans they treated me kindly, a kindness that hadn’t been shown to me in a while. I couldn’t change the way I dressed or the way I wore my hair too much or my dad would be up in arms about it. This caused my friends to stop believing me, calling me “trans trender” behind my back. While my dad was telling me if I cut my hair I’d be hideous, if I stopped wearing makeup no boys would ever love me. By the end of high school I had lost all my friends due to the disagreements of whether or not I was telling the truth, having to defend myself and my identity, and my unfortunate temper that I had developed.
After high school, I started to date a guy I went to high school with. He was one of the first friends I had made after the move, but he had been gone for years without seeing each other. He was back in my life suddenly confessing his love to me. He told me he loved me even though I was trans, that he liked the idea of dating a fem boy. I was swept up in a relationship with him. Even though I knew I wasn’t in love with him, he loved me even though I was trans. Words I had never heard before and I knew this was as good as I could ever hope for. Turns out he wasn’t okay with me being trans, constantly telling me I was misled and to never tell his friends. Once again stuck in a box of femininity, I was starting to see no way out. My mental and physical health declined quickly, we started fighting over everything and anything. He left me suddenly. I felt as though no one would ever love me. I was laid off at the start of covid 19 from a job I had planned on being my career. For the first time I had some semblance of acceptance amongst my coworkers. I adored them dearly. I was now paying for my apartment alone and had to break down and start a dead end job to cover my bills.
Finally with a little fire under my ass and enough anger, I packed up and left the town and all the people who never seemed to love me unconditionally. I moved to a new state, started a new job, and moved in with a stranger. For the first time in my life I feel like I can be myself, this past year has been a breath of fresh air. I have a found family now and have learned that people don’t need to love me even though I'm trans. They love me for who I am and nothing more. This is something I could have never dreamed of. I’m well on my way on the journey of becoming who I always was. I promise things will get better, please give it time.
I would love for you to join me on this journey whether it be through donations, advice, sharing your stories, even just sharing my link. I wish you all the best and thank you for your time.
