In August of 2024 my combat veteran husband committed suicide absolutely without warning to his family (he has visited the VA trying to seek help 3 times in 6 days prior to his commiting and was turned away each time despite having made appts and left work because they were "understaffed" but he was not sharing that with his family , I found out from his job and the VA after his death) My husband was the happiest , most cheerful , warm , spirited , funny human ever. Our life was going pretty good , we had a great year. He made plans with his daughter the night before on the phone. When I say it was out of left field , I feel certain anyone who was a regular part of my husband's life would attest to that. I woke up to let our dog out to potty and found him hanging in our back yard and it really wreaked havoc on our family. My eldest flew home immediately from Ft. Drum in upstate NY where she had recently moved with her new husband /highschool sweetheart who'd been stationed there. She ended up having a mental breakdown less than 6 days later and spent months doing voluntary and involuntary stints in various hospitals trying to get better. During that time I was having to focus on that, while planning a funeral and trying not to end up in a total mental break too. Which was difficult because despite her being diagnosed with delusions many of the adults in my life (my extremely small support system) started encouraging her delusions , agreeing with them and accusing me of horrible things and making it 10x worse and harder on me. She finally started to get better around Halloween, right when we had my husband's funeral in which I worked so hard to plan and had over half of the people who swore they would come not show up. After that, I spent the next few months trying my best to make me and my children feel better , unfortunately I also had a homeless 18 year old friend of my daughters depending on me and my 14 year old niece, despite me barely being functional and feeling like I could have a stroke every second of my life. I managed using donations from friends and neighbors and loved ones that came in when my husband passed. I could barely breathe or exist without having an anxiety attack or bawling but I have managed to keep my house going (barely) keep the bills paid, the cars maintained and try to keep all the kids relying on me well fed, warm and whole as I possibly could, despite facing constant challenges and others asking for help and me stretching myself thinner and thinner entirely alone because I literally have almost no support system around me. I have been mentally extremely unwell, I am beyond heartbroken, filled with grief (all kinds of grief for my husband for our future for my children and their pain) while trying like hell to keep everyone a float and now I am in a spot where I need help. I have run through the donations and the savings and the retirement money we had and I have tried to work again, and I am struggling. I have PTSD from the entire experience of finding my husband and the extreme traumatic months that followed it. I have multiple anxiety attacks per day even if I'm at home. I have tried doing door dash , Uber again and find myself having such bad panic attacks over and over it actually scared me because I would like to keep the small functioning mental facilities I have left in tact enough to keep being able to provide a home for not only my children and my niece but the homeless teenager I have been helping out. I have no health insurance and can't afford health insurance so I'm unable to really get much help. It's now mid December and I have less than 70$ in my bank account and I don't know what to do. If I could raise money to just survive basic bills the next few months , I am hoping to be able to sell off some of my husband's collectibles and get my tax refund for 2024 and 2025 (I was so out of it I was very late filing last year and it'll be a few more months).
I know everyone is struggling , I hate asking for help more than I can express. But I don't know what else to do. I need help. I am not doing well and I have tried my best in the 15 months since my husband died to stay a float. I will accept help in ANY form, donate 1$ , share, if you want the login to my electric bills or my landlords name to pay them directly I will give it to you just reach out. Grocery gift cards. Literally anything. If you have some work I can do without a time stresser or having to be in public too much I will do it. Please please please help me if you're able literally any amount will help, a share will help, speaking positive affirmations into the universe that I don't lose everything and screw up these kids small sense of any stability. Help me please I am so sorry to have to ask and that I am not better than I am yet , I am truly trying my hardest. If you'd rather mail something or send directly to cash app, Venmo, zelle, PayPal , please reach out. Thanks so much for your time and consideration.
