*SobrietyIsExpensive

Growing up in a conservative ”go to church 4x a week” southern household who was run by tea toddling Republican State Senator and a Judge wasn’t hard…unless you were gay like me. You can fill in the blanks, but I’ve tried to be somebody I wasn’t almost all of my life. I prayed the gay away and dated girls until it was time to come out. By then, my anxiety was so high, the damage was done. Support I’ve gotten from my family doesn’t really matter sadly, because my brain has been wired to hate myself still. I’m working on it. I’ve done much better, but I drank to dull the pain. Secret's kill someone like me, but they were our foundation growing up.  secrets we . I heard my parents fighting most nights of the week from my room. One particularly loud and scary fight sparked me to ask my dad what they were fighting about. He sat my brother and I down, told us he was having an affair with this woman at our church who we have lunch with almost every Sunday. He said that we couldn’t tell her mom…That if she knew we knew that it would ruin the marriage, and she’d leave. He said she was only saying it for us. that’s a lot to put on a kid.  I was in sixth grade…I was 12 years old. It was the year before September 11th happened. So I drank, we are always told not to touch it… That we had a double dose of the alcoholism gene in our family. Alcohol was held up so high on a pedestal that we literally were clamoring to grab it when it was time. I was told if I drank I’d be an alcoholic and so by God, I was gonna be the best alcohol there was. By July  2020… my liver was done… Almost. I was told that I had extreme cirrhosis and consulted with the UK liver transplant team multiple times. I quit drinking, almost cold, turkey after a little stent in the hospital to get my potassium up. I haven’t had a drink since July 6, 2020 when I voluntarily went to the ER and said I don’t feel good. Those medical bills, on top of the new ones since have really hammered me down. It’s been a hard to start a nest on my own But then, worst of all, I lost my dream job in August, due to no fault of my own…but it’s shattered me. I haven’t drank, but I’ve been so down and depressed. I’m so poor right now and I’m about to be evicted from my apartment in just a couple days. I have a dream  job interview tomorrow and another one next week. I just didn’t have the savings for medical bills and life to cover this gap in unemployment. Was a 1099-contract employee which means I got no severance which means I got no warning or “goodbye money”. The thought of having to move home at the age of 35 brings me to a low I can’t go and I will never drink again…but the thought of moving home makes me feel like what’s the point of not. I’ve worked really hard to get where I am. I used to drink at least a 12 pk a night…not a drop since that hot July day in 2020. My liver bounced back remarkably after about a month of no drinking and is doing amazingly well as far as we can tell in lab work and it scans. It’s expensive to keep up the surveillance especially without a job, especially without health insurance. I won’t die from this disease, I’m a fighter and that’s why I’m typing this today. It’s my first time to be on any site like this… I’m embarrassed and I’m too proud, but I’m too broke and not dumb enough to not lean on my others and ask for a lift up. I’m feeling motivated enough to find a job. I’m almost there. I can feel it but I don’t wanna be kicked out of my apartment next week. Please consider sending anything you can-I know it’s a tricky time of the year. I have so much to live for. I’m so thankful for what I have, I just need a little support from some of you. A week from right now I won’t have a place to be and I can’t go home for the holidays. I love my family, I’ll visit for the holidays… But I can’t live there. I’ll pay it forward, I’ll make it worth it.  Monies raised I’ll go towards rent and some medical bills that are outstanding. Appreciate your time.