My name is Marina. My stage name is Silent Canary.
This is not just a story asking for money. This is the first time I have written my triumphant and turbulent recollection of an accident 20 years ago that changed the course of my life forever. One that I am now deeply grateful for. Writing this was overwhelming and awe inspiring. Thank you for your time while I share the story I used to be too ashamed to tell.
20 years ago I got in a truck while in a blind rage and drove on a path through a field. The Path went up the hill and around the hill. I chose to go up to hill because that was more fun. I realized right before I was in the air that the end of the hill was a steep drop off with rocks lining the edge. I swerved so that my truck flew into the air in the direction of the path. I was not wearing my seatbelt and when I crashed down on the ground, my body rose and my head slammed onto the top of the truck. Without much pause, I drove the car back to where I found it and I didnt tell anyone. I had what I now know was a severe concussion and I’ve had a headache or migraine every since. I blocked the car accident out of my memory until 3 years ago.
The 20th year anniversary is July 3, 2021.
I have been on a quest to find existential truth and relief from this pain. I have ran up against obstacles far more than solutions, and the whole time it felt like I was trapped in a hell I would never escape. I have been intimate with bewilderment, terror, and loneliness. Despite the agony, i was following my intuition to find health. I didn’t know it at the time, but hindsight is always 20/20.
on September 4th, 2018, I asked the universe for a spiritual awakening and help tipping the scales towards true healing. 2-3 hours later I had a stroke which damaged the cerebellum. The room spun violently for a week and was in the hospital for 10 days. While in the hospital I weaned off of several medications and after I left, I could feel something had shifted for the better. I started meditating everyday for 1-2 hours and began writing steam of consciousness poems and on Validntines day 2019, I wrote my first song.
Health has been on my horizon for the last couple years. I have been too afraid to fully accept this is true. At some point in my journey, It became too painful to believe I would ever experience life as a healthy person. I resigned my self to my probable fate, but a tiny part of me became obsessed on getting me out of this hell. The thought of staying in that place was more terrifying than death; I ran from the pain, I ran towards solutions, because I was running from the death I knew would find me if I stayed still.
Pema Chodrun says “Only to the degree that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation, do we find that which is indestructible”. Because of this tragedy, I have experienced this part of me she talks about. My Conscious Self which exists as a peaceful observer, no matter the content of my life or mind.
As the anniversary of this accident approaches, I am deeply humbled, grief stricken, and grateful for my decision to get in that truck 20 years ago.
“A woman with her health has many dreams. A woman without her health has only one.”
This has been my life for two decades.
The last two years as I have slowly climbed out of this vortex of doom, I have started to dream about life after chronic illness.
They crept in as micro ideas at first that I didn’t acknowledge. Slowly I began following these desires, separate from managing and solving the riddle of chronic illness. Each baby step I took, life met me with a YES. Sometimes overwhelming confirmation I am was on the ride track.
Since then I have become a poet and singer/songwriter with more than 40 songs, one of my favorite musicians found my Facebook and offered to record my album, and I found my dream apartment. I found key frameworks to help me understand what has happened to me and more clearly see what my purpose beyond pain and suffering is.
I am always amused at the Serendipitous timing much needed opportunities and people find me. Let me tell you about the two that have lined up this week:
Direction/synchronicity #1 that I’m asking help for:
I have had the “random” thought at least 8 times in the last year to buy a bus and convert it to an RV. This is how my Intuition works.
My parents lived on a converted greyhound bus with my sister before I was born in California, and I’ve always had a deep feeling of envy when I hear about that happy time in my family’s history. My parents moved about once a year until I was 12, so having a home with roots was never something I had. I have lived in at least 35 homes. I have been grappling with how to feel safe; Safe in my body, safe at home.
I am being called to nature. I can feel it in my bones it’s where I need to be, and I’m tired of arguing with my body. I’ve tried relentlessly to convince it that it should feel safe living full time in the city when it’s not the case.
I have decided to buy a bus which is already converted to an rv for immediate use. It has been inspected from a third party mechanic and I am in love!
Half of my bills each month are for treating chronic Lyme disease, mold poisoning, and chronic pain that is still debilitating me. I am nearing the end, but I have to stay the course. I have “limited credit” because I didn’t establish any credit until 2 years ago. My interest rate is too high to afford a loan.
This is why I’m asking for your help financially.
I have realized to heal, we need to be in the right environment. We cannot heal when we are in crisis or stress. That is why I am choosing this. So I can choose my environment, while getting to feel safe, at home.
I am hoping to buy this RV the same week as the 20th year anniversary of my car accident. The timing just happened to line up this way. The man who turned this bus into an RV did so for his father who passed. His father’s birthday is also the same week.
I can’t wait to adventure in this bus/RV solo and with my daughter! I haven’t felt this excited about anything in many years.
The second synchronicity/direction I’m asking help for:
I had to put 2 year old dog, Osono, to sleep after a devastating 6 months of attempts at helping her find health. She taught me more in 9 months than I could have fathomed possible and I feel lucky our paths crossed, even tho our time was short. She was my Safe and I miss her everyday. I have felt the beginnings of feeling safe on my own taking hold since her passing, and I know I have her to thank for that. She taught me I am capable of showing up, even when I think I am frozen and far away
I have been wanting another dog, especially as I consider adventures on this bus.
As I lay in bed that night, insomnia banging at me, I impulsively grabbed my phone as I remembered cocos dog rescue. I found Dory there. I met her and we're in love
She is $550 and I am adding that onto the amount I’m asking for.
I have wrestled with my self in substantial ways this last month. Am I being too bold and/or irresponsible ? How will this work with co parenting? Am I ready for a dog yet; Don’t I need more time to grieve Oso?
What if what if what if what if?
Well folks, here I am again. More afraid of staying where I am than taking a leap of faith towards new directions in life full of unknowns. My soul is exhausted from living in a prison inside my body. I am ready to march into health and find out what it means to live, Whole Heart.
This journey has taught me what it means to be held. What it means to hold myself and others. What it means to let others hold me. I have realized much of my angst was from expecting myself to hold me up when I was too depleted. I have been taught in minor and major ways life really does have my back. I am deeply grateful for my journey, the wherewithal to write my story, and courage to ask for help. I have no stake in what I receive, and I am open to all contributions, big or small, towards reaching my dreams. Thank you for reading my story and your consideration. 
