it says share your story...ha. that would take a while.
have you ever found yourself dreaming the same dream for a lifetime. I have.
a bit about my journey to this place.
short not so sweet version.
home...noun...a place. a safe place. to rest your head. keep your secrets. and to escape the outside world.
I left NY about 18 months ago. I left an abusive relationship (I played a role I am by no means denying that) I left everyone I knew and everything I had behind...in hopes of finding myself, again. after being raised in group homes. after having a baby at 15 alone in a strange place surrounded by strange people. after deciding to let my child go (adopt her to a family to love and raise her) I turned to drugs. drugs were my life for 20+ years. I had my good moments in the mix but the pain continued. I never healed. I had a son and when I relapsed again...after being sober for "him" (not myself) I decided he was better with his father. I have no regrets in this life. I was the best mother I could have been by letting them go...but I continued on without fixing myself.
after many years...many traumas...many sufferings I finally got myself clean and sober again...then I met the ex. I told him my past. my story. I will NEVER hide who I have been. the entire time he listened knowing he was both an addict, and an alcoholic. knowing he would eventually lead me right back into that darkness...he made promises of a HOME..."I will take care of you"...something again I have never had...and boy did I listen. eventually I relapsed. again...remember I was still an unhealed...a very broken...self defeated...version of myself at this point. tired and sad. with the facade of strength. I had learned how to play pretend. it was how I survived. he and I spent 7 years battling each other. fighting each other. blaming each other. hurting each other.
until...a chance (very sad) thing happened and my sister and I found ourselves in the same room after almost 20 years...side note...all five of us (my siblings and I) were split up and put in homes as children.
so when she reached out her hand, to help, I grabbed it. I thought I had a place alongside my sister and her crew...but again, oh the stories...my sister and her partner purchased a 30 foot camper and put it in their yard...and well to say they did not get what they paid for...would be an extreme understatement. It was riddled with mold, rot, and water damage, the previous owners did not disclose, and tried to cover with quick fixes...infested with rodents and far from ***suitable for living***
I could not move into my sisters home as they have four kids, a dog, three cats, and I have two dogs. One is a german shepherd who after all that happened is a bit overprotected, and became fear aggressive toward anyone else (this has been resolved, mostly, with the work he and I have done together...YAY!) but that did not stop me...I was determined to make it work. I ripped out the entire rear end of the camper, where the bathroom was, before winter. while working a full time job...one I gave up my SSD for...another f**k me moment...the floor at this point was so soft I would have fallen through. the tub had backed up and ruined my clothing. I gutted it down to the frame and reframed it...leaving myself with no bathroom but my sisters house was ten feet away. so I was okay...it had been worse. I was safe. I thought. I thought I was figuring things out...my living situation. well. lets just say when the heat stopped working...in the dead of a NE winter...that changed a lot. one winter in a camper with no way of washing. cooking. keeping warm. no help. no support. and just other peoples stuff taking a hold of me. not so conducive to ones mental health..I couldn't work. I lost my only income. everything I had brought from NY was now gone. I was raw. I had nothing left at all. nothing. so I began healing. I locked myself in with my dogs. I covered the windows. moved the mattress to the living room. blocked everything off to keep warm...and I cried. I screamed. I told the walls all my secrets. all my pain. I said it all outloud...everything...something I had never done before...said it all...heard myself say it all...it hurt...it was the hardest thing I have ever done in this life...and then I remembered....I once had a dream. a dream of leaving it all. just going.
west...alaska...freedom.
oh to be free. I have managed to completely turn myself around. I have been sober from my DOC for almost 3 years and all hard drugs for over 2...I did manage to get myself sober before leaving NY...and through it all I have managed to stay sober...thank god...I quit smoking...I fixed my license...I bought a car...but I have a dream.
I am a chef. I cook. I am an artist. I create. I am a healer. I help. I am a gypsy. I want to see the world. I want to feed people. I want to make art. I want to sit around fire and listen to the stories of the world. so...I bought a converted skoolie...last week. her name is bessie. and she is epic. now I am asking for a bit of help...something I should have done a long time ago...hi I need some help, please. I have much to do...things that are needed...before the weather turns so I can leave. I am selling everything I have left. everything I have aquired since moving to MA last february. I am selling it all to make this dream work. it is not enough. so I am asking for a bit of help from anyone that maybe had a dream once. that maybe still has a dream. someone else that may have overcame everything and who is living their dream, now. maybe from someone who is just in a good place and can help. I am asking for that help now. I am cashing in my white stones. my chits.
so if you can help, and do, thank you.
from the bottom of my heart.
p.s... I can promise you I will make good use of the years I have left by fulfilling my promise to myself and to LIVE.
p.p.s...I will repay the kindness tenfold. you have my word I will always help when, and where, I am able in return.
thank you for reading my story.
if anything maybe someone who reads it will know there is hope. that it is possible to get through it all, no matter what it was, and heal.
all my love.
-megan.
