Avascular necrosis.
A disease that I had never heard of before. One that nobody else in my life had either. Maybe that is why my situation and pain have been dismissed, disregarded, and minimized, by almost everyone around me, including my orthopedic surgeon, who lacked knowledge and experience with it. My cries for help ignored and unanswered, as this disease causes my entire life to crumble around me.
Bone Death. Avascular necrosis means death of the bone. A rare disease that causes excruciating pain as it progresses. The top of my right femur died, causing my hip to collapse, fracture and led to rapid onset of severe osteoarthritis. It was March 2022, when I was given the diagnosis. X-rays showed that I was in the last stage of the disease and my hip had already collapsed. I had stopped working as a server 2 weeks prior due to the unbearable pain I was in. The inability to work caused me to lose my car almost immediately, as I am a single mom who was already struggling to get by and essentially living paycheck to paycheck....
I don't quit easily. I'm a fighter and I had fought a million battles before this. I have been on my own since 2017, when I was left by my fiance, 3 days after finding out I had a brain tumor. I was determined to have a life where I didn't have to depend on anyone and I worked hard for the little bit I had. I was proud of myself. My independence was a HUGE PART of my identity and self worth. I spent 10 months, waiting for my hip replacement. 10 months with a collapsed hip, torn labrum muscle, bone spurs, pinched nerves, SI joint dysfunction...all in my pelvic area where I have had 2 major surgeries already. With no car, my daughter was forced to go live with her dad because I was unable to get her to school. My kid's dad is blind, and with me no longer having a vehicle, seeing my kids was not an easy task...
There is not enough time or space here to be able to tell the whole story of how much my life changed and how much it destroyed me. I don't have any family that cares for me, let alone has been there to help or support me in any way. I spent almost an entire year, essentially bedridden, doctor not prescribing any pain meds, only 6 months of short term disability ($134/week), then zero income.
Stress, frustration, pain, loneliness, boredom, and grief of the many losses that were occurring, (without any time to even try to process them in between), fear, heartbreaking devastation from the lack of support and sympathy I received by the people in my life....sent me into the darkest place of my entire life and I am still trying to find the light. I know it's there but I need help with making my way back to it.
I have the avascular necrosis in my left hip now and my knees. Most likely other bones too but I don't have access to a doctor who has any knowledge and who will order a full body MRI(insurance isn't making it easy either). I feel defeated. Hopeless. In limbo. Alone. Moments where I wished I had been diagnosed with cancer instead...because then maybe people would be here for me, they'd be supportive, understanding, sympathetic, and I wouldn't have to constantly explain, defend, or justify myself and the circumstances that are the result of this... I would feel validated and not judged.
The most difficult part of this is how alone I have felt throughout the entire thing... I'm tired of trying to explain it. I'm tired of trying to get someone to understand what I'm going through and actually care. I'm tired of the stress and anxiety. My depression is not manageable right now and I don't have the strength to do something about it right now...My ex husband kicked my daughter out a few months ago and she has been back living with me full time again. But I am being evicted and have no where to go...She desperately does not want to go back there but I don't know what to do. We have a cat, named Twilight, who we love to death and are so worried about losing... I don't even have a way to move and store our belongings as of now
We must be out by September 4th. We are running out of time and I'm running out of hope. I don't want to lose my daughter. I have lost enough this past year and a half. I have been in so much pain, physically, mentally, emotionally... I don't want pity but I am hoping to find some compassion and kindness in a world that has shown me very little in my lifetime, especially when I need it the most.
I appreciate the time you took reading my very long story. I wish I could tell all of it right now but I'll be on the streets before I could finish.... I hope someone reading this knows how much chronic illness/pain along with severe depression, can completely destroy someone...I often think that I am able to feel the death inside of my body., from my dying bones. But perhaps it's just that darkness I've have hovering over me, as I fall deeper, barely holding on ... I hope this reaches people who will choose to be that light I so desperately need to keep going. I will be forever grateful for those who put their hands out to pull me up.. ❤❤❤❤
